I'm uncommonly lonely tonight.

I just got this massage from some random douche bag on MySpace

"hey man whats up not much here im sort of new to the area and i was womdering if you know where to get any weed. i know its sounds crazy but im from down south and new to the area so i just wondering if i could get hooked up."

Awesome.

It's been a long time since I've felt this lonely. No one is here for me anymore.

This god damn journal is so fucking worthless.

Well my night has just been fucked in the ass.


Just like old times.

A thunderstorm is about to hit.

All I need is a car, a McDonalds parking lot, and Jackie. That would make it a good thunderstorm.

Really good.

Awesome...

My chest pains are getting worse. It's not as much that they're more painful as it is that they're more frequent. Although at this moment it's some of both. I'm constantly trying to take deep breaths trying to relieve some of the pressure in the left side of my chest, but it doesn't really seem to be working right now. I really need to go to the doctor and get this shit checked out.

I'm bound to have a heart attack someday. Most likely not anytime soon (at least I hope not), but it's inevitable unless I start changing shit. I'm in horrendous physical shape. I eat the worst possible food (bacon grilled cheese sandwich, anyone?), and I do almost nothing in terms of exercise. Plus, there's heart disease in my family. I think maybe some of this chest pain stuff might be in my mind, though. It only started getting worse when I thought more about it. But regardless, I'm still in awful shape. I couldn't do a push up to save my life. I feel like hell.

In other news that no one gives a poop-shit about, I'm finally trying to get my shit together and am gonna start driving once my car is registered, insured, and the battery is replaced. I'm fucking dreading it, because although I've driven before and had an ok time with it, I hate the idea of having the responsibility of maneuvering anything bigger than my own pudgy frame. I tend to space out a lot and stare blankly into nothing for minutes at a time. I'd prefer not doing while operating a big steel missile. However, I'm getting sick of requiring a ride from my parents whenever I'm out of the house, so I guess hitting a telephone pole would be a more desirable alternative than depending on them for much longer.

I'm also doing regular work at my dad's store. It's only one day a week, and only for about 4-5 hours, but that's 4-5 hours a week more then I've been doing the past 2 years. I think the plan is for his to get me used to being there regularly, then once I have my license he'll have me there more often. Eventually, I'll be working behind the register, which is another thing I dread. The past 2 years of almost total isolation from the outside world hasn't been kind to my human-to-human interaction skills. I can talk to pretty much my mom, dad, and John in person while being comfortable. Anyone else, and it's awkward. At least at first. Whether it be over the phone, or in person, I'm not good with voices and faces anymore. I'm really good at talking to people through AIM, or similar forms of communication. Talking to my friends in WoW is exceptionally easy (in no small part due to the fact I don't actually know who they are. I only know them by their avatars in the game world, although they've told me their names before), and talking to people on AIM is easy as well (despite that since Jackie stopped logging on last month it's become quite infrequent). I also noticed that the way I write and the way I talk are completely different from each other. I stutter sometimes when I talk these days. It's almost difficult for formulate an appropriate sentence. But writing is different somehow. Probably because I have time to form a coherent sentence, and can edit it so that it doesn't sound like it came from someone who wears a helmet but doesn't ride a bike (a retarded person, get it?). Anydangway, the point is that the idea of standing behind a register and making small talk with complete strangers is extremely threatening to me. But that's something else I gotta get over if I hope to move out of this fucking basement before this time next year. So I'm hoping that doing some time at my dads store will ease me back into reality, enough so that I can get a real job or go to school.

Hmm...what else. Well, my mom is doing well. She finished radiation treatment about 2 months ago, and very soon after that she started going back to work. She's much happier that she's doing stuff, rather than sitting in bed feeling like shit. She has hair now, too.

My dad finally quit smoking. Interestingly enough, he went to a hypnotist. As of the 16th of this month, he hasn't had a single stick. I don't know what the hell that hypnotist did to him, but it worked. Before last Tuesday he'd been smoking about a pack a day. The fact that he's quit so quickly, and hasn't become a complete asshole is quite good.



Ok, I'm done. If you actually read that whole thing, I'll send you $10 to repay you for your time that you wasted.